Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i think i just lost a toe
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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