bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
