My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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