I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
