I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
