remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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