Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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