My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
