he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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