I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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