I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
