I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
