When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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