Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
