I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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