Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think my vagina is haunted
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
