can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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