I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
