she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
sex in a hospital.. check
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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