i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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