On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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