Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
