Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
