: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
