i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
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can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
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You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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