Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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