life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
