Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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