I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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