But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
