That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
