I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
