i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
