Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dating After Heartbreak
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions