I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.