Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes