Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.