Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
