I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
