Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
