so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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