Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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