Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
