you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
