I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
