Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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