Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
