Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
