my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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