my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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