franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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