How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
