I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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