so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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