If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
