just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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