I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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