I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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