My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
