Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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