Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
