Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
